Regaining the Confidence once lost

At some point in my life, I lost my confidence.

My lowest point in my life was two years ago. I had depression. My family was a mess. Bad things were consecutively happening to me. It was the darkest of my days. I was so negative. I was still figuring myself.

Thank God, I was able to get out from that! It wasn’t easy.

But how?

“When there is darkness, there comes the light”

It was actually in my lowest point when I found out who were my friends. I realized, despite everything, I was loved. It was through encouraging people wherein I found hope. They are my stepping stone from God. Certain people tell me often certain attributes that I have and that should be my everyday reminder to myself. Word such as ‘kind’, ‘helpful’, ‘friendly’, ‘smart’, ‘responsible’, ‘hardworking’, ‘talented’, ‘courageous’ I got my confidence from that. People saw the good in me more than myself. Therefore, I should start believing in myself.

Always whenever I’m down, there are those who were there to listen me/ shoulder me, who let me cry it all out.

Speaking about my family, there was so much misunderstanding on our dealing with one another. I really express my grudges to my family. It wasn’t easy. Later, the conflict was resolve. We are more kinder to one another at home.

Around this time, I started playing the ukulele. I’d strum and sing my heart out. This was a big factor on getting out of my sadness inside. Music did relieve the pain I felt inside.

Everyday, is a journey knowing yourself. Know yourself so that you would be vulnerable to those who goes against you, because you know where you stand.

My classmate told me that there those who talk behind my back but I don’t seem to care, and that she got to ignore them rather than scream at them.Β I later learned not to care what others say. These people don’t know me than how I know myself.

I’ve learned not to hold myself back no more. To make the most of every opporutnity. To have a smile in my face even though the situation don’t call for it. To be positive despite how things are exhausting. My struggles led me to not lose hope. To keep on fighting. That it isn’t the end.

Everyday, our confidence is challenged. You maybe werent as confident as the other day. But, keep your feet on the ground. You can surpass whatever struggle you are facing.

Just keep on fighting because you will never know where life takes you.

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I now get why I am so ambitious

I do have dreams but I am not exactly sure on what I want in life. One thing for sure, I want to make it far and make the most of what I was designed to be.

I seriously take my academics and my extracurricular. Unlike others out there, they don’t care or they are unsure with their life.

So how did I become to ambitious?

It started with my family background. My parents didn’t come from a well off family but then it was their perseverance that led to where they are now. They’ve been touching lives out there with their story. Fun fact, both my parents are scholars and achievers. I get so much motivation at the same time pressure from that. Motivation, for me to work hard on what I am doing; Pressure, for people expects me to be smart like them. That I am the combination of their brains. I can’t fail them when it comes to academics.

My classmate admitted to me that she envy me for I know what I want to be. I want to be a lawyer for my interest lies under it and I would want to help people. I guess I discovered what I want early.

I was told that was being talked trashed. You know what it hurts, but now I don’t care anymore for I’ve become bulletproof from the hell (that people don’t know entirely) I’ve been through. I know where stand. I know who I am. These people don’t know me and my story. These people probably don’t know that I am saving everyone’s ass (in my section specifically and among close friends). How could they be talking trash about someone who have been achieving so much already. (they probably they don’t know for I’m humble about it).

Point out my flaw, the way I act that maybe odd, or whatever trash about me, or the more you’ll see me far in life. Farther than you. And I’m sorry for not being perfect.

Okay I maybe different/ act differently from my peers because of my background but I don’t care to be different because it makes me who I am. I embrace where I came from. And I know that I’m to influence people out there.

It’s because of my background that I take responsibilities likened to an adult. It came to me that I am a try hard or that I over do things. You know what, I know myself as hardworking and that’s that. I see my parents working so hard especially my mom.Β  Their hardwork makes me guilty to be laxed because it will totally be unfair on their part. So I strive hard when it comes to school and my responsibilities as a daughter. Unlike some people out there who don’t seem to care at all. At the same time, I am learning from my mistakes everyday.

I was told by teacher that unlike my classmates, I don’t take things for granted because I see the importance of things. For they come from comfortable lives, they aren’t that appreciative.

All they are good at is talking trash about others. [P.S. I don’t mean all people are like this… but existence of these people is frustrating]

So don’t ever mess with me! You are messing with the wrong person.

What’s my fate?

I recently came from retreat. We were asked to reflect on our life, stuggles, victories, blessings, future plans etc.

What is for me?

I don’t know yet exactly.

I want to be a lawyer. Then so what?

I actually envisioned on becoming a lawyer when I was grade 4. That in the way made me decide I want to be lawyer. I already became into socio-political things. I was aware of social issues in our society. And the more I think about what’s in status quo. The more I want to do something. The more I want to be a lawyer. If I can’t help save lives as doctor, I believe that I can save lives socially as a lawyer. Okay, I don’t know everything about politics, but I am willing to learn and understand. I know hearing the news is tiring nowadays but I want to be the voice of those dehumanized, discriminated, etc in society. As of the moment, I am now helping others within my circle. That’s a starting point.

I also want to be an inspiration to others. I believe that I am destined to be so.

I was once a shy person. There has been a stigma about shy people. That they are incapable of this and that because they are shy. I want to be a representative that shy people are capable of doing anything. That we could come out. One concrete example to my life is my involvement in debate. Who could ever thought that a shy person has become a debater?

I have struggled, failed, and been defeated. Despite I’d face these later on, I believe that I can surpass it. If I surpassed difficulties in the past, how can I not surpass what I am facing now. Everything will justΒ  eventually past. The pain won’t be permanent. Just keep fighting! πŸ’ͺ🏻

I’ll continue what I am pursueing now; that is my academic and extra curricular life. I’ll just see what happens later on.

Periodical Test before my birthday πŸ˜±

October 4 – four more days before my birthday πŸŽ‰

I’ll soon be 17. I am so close to being an adult. I’m so old. 😩

Anyway, I actually like birthday, not the fact I’m getting old but because it’s a moment for me to commemorate my moments, the good and the bad, in life. It’s a time for me to look back what I’ve been through and how I made an impact to the world while being alive.

Lately my friends and family has been telling me, “It’s almost your birthday! What is your plan?” I just don’t know

I am not looking forward to my birthday as much as before because the day after is my scheduled periodical test. Who even wants to study on their birthday? No one! But I have to becauss my grade is in the line.

I guess the reason why I’m going through this is because God knows that I can take it. I guess it’s his message that despite the stress I’ll get for studying, I’ve got to let in the positivity such as the idea of my birthday. I am trying not to be bitter about the situation. I shouldn’t be. I should not let my exams ruin my special day.

I appreciate those people who are more enthusiastic for my birthday than I am. Thank you for the love!! ❀

Happy Birthday to me on October 8!! Wohoo!! πŸŽ‰


October 8 2017

Happy 17th to me! Yes, I have Periodicals the following day but I really spent my day enjoying it.

I didn’t have an exact plan on what to do for my birthday weeks before. I knew that I had to study but I just don’t want to have a date with my textbook on my birthday. I knew that I wanted to be with my family even just for a while. So my mom suggested that I’ll have a lunch date with my cousins so that after that I get time to study later on. I really had fun with my cousins with a simple catching up with them. A lot of people also greeted me and gave me sweet messages. It made me touched and it lessen my bitterness that I have exams the next day. I felt touched when people told me that they would want me to enjoy my day despite exams.


Oh this happened! Literally! Even @lookshecanblog saw this in my Instagram story 22386407_1710572242317945_821892635_n


A lot of things happened from Oct. 8 2016 – present. I’ve really come so far. I am given another reason to live. And I believe that I am to touch more lives. People who came to my life means so much to me.

Thank you lord for this gift of life!

Fighting πŸ’ͺ🏻


Birthday gifts

There were gifts that I received before, on, and, after my birthday.

This is not to brag. I just want to express my gratitude. I am just so touch.

 


October 11 2017

I know that my birthday is over and I just ended my exams. I am still having birthday blues. I can’t believe that I manage to have my birthday during exam week. I am year older now. All the more my friends will tease me for being so old. (P.S. I am the eldest among my friends). I didn’t felt like my birthday was coming a week before but certain people made me feel like it was actually my birthday on October 8. People would tell me that they are bless because of my existence. But I would like to tell them in return that I am bless to have them in my life.

THANK YOU!!

A start of another chapter in my life! ❀

 

The impact of my service/ generousity to others

Often am I told that I am generous, kind, friendly, helpful, and all those synonymous words. A lot has express their gratitude for I being so and certainly, it has touched my heart. I’m known to be a “life saver.” People often come to me for help. And no matter how much that they’ll say it’s the last favor they’ll ask, it isn’t.

So what exactly made me like this? I don’t know. It could be that:

  1. This certain trait makes distinctive from the rest
  2. Parent’s influence. They influence by their means of service to others as well.
  3. My family background. I was made aware of my parent’s struggles back then. They didn’t come from a well off family. This made me think that I have no right to be a spoiled brat and be mean to others.
  4. I know what it is liked not being helped.
  5. In this world, not everything is about me. It is about everyone, if there is something I can do for the betterment of the situation, I will help out.
  6. Everyone is important

I honestly get annoyed that someone will over-ask for help. There is nothing I can do about it. Maybe, I’m the only one out there who can help the person out. Seriously, there are a lot of people who comes to me everyday. It could be tiring but it feels nice if you get to help others out. That at some point you saved their life.

To end this, don’t be good to others for people to love you. Reach out to others because you know in your heart that you are capable of helping. Do it without expecting in return.

 

Crying Made Me Know that I am Loved

Lately, I cried in front of a certain person. I won’t tell why because it’s personal. Then when I cried, when I let it all out, that person I cried front of, and those other people around hugged me and told me that they love me and they are there for me. Words of encouragements were expressed. I really needed that.

You would really know who cares for you when you are at your worse.

Thank you for the love! ❀

Still Bitter

I would like to thank those who followed my blog. I can’t believe that people are still following me despite not being so active.

I have a question. Can you believe that this blogger you followed got out of her school’s publication? (Pls comment down “no” below. I need motivation from the bitterness. )

So, I reaudtioned under a new moderator. She said that she had to let me go because I was “skeptic”. I felt like her decision wasn’t justifiable because she hasn’t see much on my works. Plus, she doesn’t know me as a person.

I hope that she will regret her decision with my success in the future.

The screening was a q&a of past experiences in the org. I was being honest with my answer that I wrote only a few stuff in the previous year. I was only assigned to a few. Then she jump to thinking that I was skeptic by that screening alone. Again, she hasn’t seen my prowess in writing.

If I can’t pursue writing in my school paper, I’ll pursue it here. Thanks wordpress! I am my own editor in chief.

Remaining Humble

I have attributes and capabilities that I hone. There are inscurities I have on others because I feel incompetent to a certain thing of a person. As developing teenager, how do I deal with this?

In scenarios where in my attributes/ capabilities are most needed, how do I still be humble? Not to step down others for something I am and they are not? As much as I want to maximize whatever I have to the greatest potential, I still want to be humble. First of all, we are all unique. We have attributes/ capabilities that people associate for us. Instead of being too proud, I’ll use my talents to reach out to others. I don’t act superior towards others to make myself feel better. I’d rather be an inspiration instead.

When it comes to my insecurities, I’ve got to overcome it. As much as I want to be humble on what I have, I don’t wan’t to compare myself to others. I just want to me with a touch of humility.

 

 

 

How to Break the Nervousness

I am not the most confident person to tell you this. I too get nervous but all throughout my struggles of trying to combat my nervousness, I’ve discovered insights on how to calm the nerves, especially in being in front of an audience.

  1. Relax – that should be the highlight
  2. Don’t worry too much on what will become of your audience’s reaction. You are not here to please them. Express and not impress
  3. It’s okay to make mistakes. If you made a mistake, don’t dwell too much on the mistake. Learn from it and move on.
  4. Perform out of passion then you will forget that you were actually nervous.
  5. Let the confidence outweigh the nervousness. Think of possibilities as to why you are capable of doing well. Play in your mind words like, “I can do this!”
  6. Think about those people who believes in you. It is a good self–motivator.
  7. Preparation is a must. Think about how much you worked for it.
  8. Expose yourself to an audience more often. The more you will get use to being in front of the crowd, the less nervous and more confident you get, because performing has already become a part of you.
  9. Think about the bigger purpose of your performance.
  10. Lastly and most importantly, PRAY!!

I hope that these tips will help you because it has helped me. I did struggle with my confidence but now I am breaking the barrier of my doubt in myself. We are all in this together.

POEM:// Stuck in my Thoughts

I feel pressure even though there is no pressure

The expectations, it’s only I who’s expecting to much

I want change but not fully open to it

I don’t know where I want to go

I want to make it far though I’ve made it far already

What I do want for myself, I don’t know

I want a life. But what even is a life?

Goals, Dreams, then so what?

I’m doing all these for myself.

What’s wrong with me?

Or is it just I who envisions so big

Failures, part of life

A taste of it is extreme

I am strong but until when?

Holding on, not trying to collapse

Fighting in a void of confusion

Making it through all I want.

 

 

Inspired by my own survival

In school, we were asked to run how many laps around the field at the same time sing songs we were asked to sing. It had to be done under the heat of the sun.

Oh by the way, this is for CAT, a military training program in school.

If you can’t endure the running or you feel like fainting, you may pull out and a medic will attend to you.

I honestly wanted to pull out, I was running out of breath but I made it till the end. Plus I’m anemic but that didn’t stop me. I’m not supposed to be under the sun for so long. Less than half of the girls survived. I’m one of the survivors.

My friends congratulated me for surviving and not giving up. This friend of mine said that he is proud of me because I didn’t pull out despite being anemic. I once told him that I am anemic and he mentioned that I made it unlike those who don’t have a medical condition but pulled out.☺ I’m so touched!!

I feel inspired by my own bravery. It made me think that if I can survived running under the heat of the sun, I can survive other things as well.

Don’t give up πŸ’ͺ

Who said that I’m FC (feeling close)?

Today in class, we had to write in each person’s paper anything about the person. Ex. “kind”

Summary of what my classmates has written: kind, helpful, generous, responsible, friendly, down to earth, diligent

I’m touched by what my classmates wrote. But that word bothered me. That’s FC. Who wrote that?

Hmm.. I guess we have different definition of feeling close.

Anyway, maybe that could be mistaken for my friendliness. I do socialize with my classmates like when someone is right beside me and I say Hi, as an acknowledgement and have a short convo with them. I don’t just but in a group conversation. Especially if it is a group I don’t really associate with so much. Also, I don’t but in privacy of others. So how am I FC?

I talk/ give a notice (like saying hi) to people because I acknowledge them.

Knowing myself, I am not FC. I just want to be friends with people. I want to interact and relate with people. It is better to be acknowledged than to be ignored.

 

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