I just don’t know

If you’ve been reading my past blogs, you are with me in my anxiety for my future. For senior high.

Few months from now I will graduate. yay!

I’ve been so stressed and down lately. Anxiety is building up. Anxiety because of grades, and most heartbreaking one, pre- seperation anxiety.

Grades.

I am doing so bad in school. I know grades don’t define how smart I am. The thing is, everything in school is all crammed up. All the lessons are being rushed. Test and assignments here and there. In short, I am so done with school. You can’t expect students to be good in a lesson in a snap. Even professionals spend time in order to know their expertise. Nothing is done overnight.

Is it because we are graduating that we have to rush?!?

Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for being educated. I love to learn. But the education system now is inhumane. Wake up early, ends school late in the afternoon, goes/ arrives home late at night. Dinner, then study till midnight. How am I still alive? Plus, I am anemic and the struggle is real.

(When you are anemic, you get so weak easily because you red blood cells that carry oxygen.  But in my case, I got it because of genes but at least I don’t have to get intensive medical attention)

I am also so worried because the school I will apply is requring good grades (80+). I really have to maintain my grades to save my life. I really want to transfer for so many reasons: 1.) I have been in my school for 10+ years. 2.) I want a new environment and friends. 3.) I don’t want to die mentally, physically, and emotionally, for 2 more years. 4.) I have been through enough. Even everyone in my school wants to leave. We are currently applying for senior high in my school. The reasons behind: 1.) No choice but to stay. 2.) Back up plan in case of not being accepted in the other school applies to.

Thinking about tranferring is the hardest decision I have ever made. There those I am ready to say goodbye. There are those who I have become close with and it breaks my heart, as early now, knowing we’ll part ways. We will be setting our own paths. I never thought this day is coming too soon. I am planning to take an exam for the school I will apply. Pls. accept me. I don’t want to be waitlisted. STEM (because everyone else will take that) or HUMSS (because this is what I want) Both are fine for my future career as they say but which one. Lord, I will lift it all to you.

Yes, more mental breakdowns to come. But I will survive. You are almost there. You are not alone in this.

Motivation: 1.) It is my mom’s birthday 2 days before graduation. 2.) My grandfather wanted us (grandkids)  to graduate before he dies. But he died before that could even happen but I want him to see me graduate from above.

 

Advertisements

SO STRESS

Hi I know that I’ve been gone in such a long time. I’ve been so busy in school. Being a graduating student is really tough.

I’ll give a run through of what my life has been so far.

In the past weeks, I’ve been having around 10 test in a week. Meaning, I had no weekend to enjoy. On Jan 6-7, Even though I travelled to Bohol to attend a wedding, I brought my school work with me.

On my parents anniversary on Jan 8, we went out for dinner. While we were waiting for the food, I studied on the table. I felt bad but I badly needed to study at that time. On Jan 10, I was sent home because of a 38.8 fever. I don’t usually get a fever. It comes to show that I am so stress with school. I really made myself to recover fast so that I won’t miss 3 more quizzes. I missed 3 quizzes prior to when I was sent home.

Now I am currently taking my periodical tests. I am doing my best now and taking it more seriously because I plan to apply for a new school. I want good credentials to get in. Also, I want to graduate. My batchmates and I have been through a lot. We deserved that diploma soon.

I just don’t like the Philippine education system where they cram everything jist to be able to cover everything in the curriculum. Plus dismissal is on 4:30 bu there are those like me who get home as late 7:00-8:30. Staying until midnight because we need all the time to study and wakes up as early as 4-6 for 7:30 class. All of us are so sleep deprived and depressed. This so inhumane already.

Teachers can’t rush our learning. Teachers give test right after a discussion without properly processing the lesson. Grades outweigh the actual learning now. I hate my life.

What is bringing me down even worse is my anemia. Help me Lord! I get so tired easily (extreme fatigue) and too much schoolwork is making it worse. I won’t let anemia stop me

To the people who would see me, sorry for my moodiness lately. I am currently carrying so much burden.

You know what I’ll soon graduate! I can do this!

We hold these truth to self-evident that all men are created equal

I will soon have to deliver an oration for my speech class. I am going to share it here. 🙂

In history class, we’ve been having discussion about different revolutions wherein its agenda cried for equality. In CLF, or whatever values integration we have in a subject, it is always pointed out that we are created equal by God. With that, despite the differences in each and everyone of us, we must treat each other equally. And it is given that all of us desire for equality. By really opening our eyes on what is happening around us, can we say that equality is there? Let’s reflect on how we treat others; if our actions have destroyed human dignity and the meaning of equality. Everyday, I witness so many heartbreaking things that people do to others such as calling names, judging a person, bullying, talking bad about a person without knowing their story, not acknowledging one’s presence, being racist, getting mad at a person for no reason, being rude and disrespectful, and many more. To those who do these things, it may be done out of habit or unconsciously done. Where is the equality there? For sure, we are all involved in this. No one is truly free and equal in our world. We can’t affirm that we are endowed with certain rights such as life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Why? We are all victims. We all have been dehumanized. We are not free to show our true colors because there are stereotypes of what’s accepted in society. We would care about how society perceives us and if we belong. There are judgements and prejudice everywhere. There will always be forces bringing us down. And how much more to those who experienced worse than us? To the poor people, the LGBT community, racial, ethnic and religious minorities? These people’s voices need to be heard even more and to have their existence noticed. They have received more than enough discrimination and hate. If we are all equal, then there will be no division between, the rich and the poor, the straight and the gay, blacks and whites, Asians and other races, Christians and Muslims. If only we accept and respect differences, and not make one’s worth based on background.  If only we could alleviate those in poverty. If only everyone cared. If only everyone are friends. If only we hold these truth to self-evident that all men are created equal. That must start with you.

Family First

Family First above everything else. I love my family so much. ❤

What made me develop the very affection I have towards my family?

I love my family ever since the beginning. But in the year 2016, it was the time my immediate family got really close. Cousins, around my age specifically, who I don’t really hangout when we were kids are closer than ever. We are like a squad because there are around 12 of us. We would chat when we are not together. That is how close we have become. We weren’t as close when we were kids. I’d meet my clan, every now and then as compared to before, not so much. My titas and titos are more active in planning hangouts for us.

So many memories with my family were created. I have to say these are the best in my life. Whenever I spend time with my relatives, even for a day, I feel lighter inside. They just bring the positivity. The joy being with them just do so. The feeling when I am with my family is more genuine and joyful than being with my schoolmates. Do you feel the same way?

My family is who I can openly share my dreams and aspirations. So as with my stories. They really listen and support you. Unlike other people out there, I don’t feel like that they can relate to what I express about as compared to my family. Even though it would take a few months to see each other again, you know that they are there. That you are still in touch. It true when they say those who are far away cares about you more than those who are just right beside (if the saying goes that way)

School has been so stressful. That it will even take away my weekends. But whenever it’s family time, I’d pause my homework just to be with them. Even though I know my grades could be at risk. Family first. You can never bring back the moments of being with them. As a student, grades is a matter of life and death. Later in life people won’t really look back to what grades you got. Family is forever!

I don’t know why people my age is really longing for a love life. But in my case, family first. I don’t want to miss a thing with them. Family are the ones I am connected to ever since the beginning. I shall connect with the family before I connect with someone else.

Thank you for 2017

I can see these kind of pictures everywhere in facebook, especially the “Thank you being part of my 2017. Pass it on.”

New Year 2018 is in a few days. I can’t believe how fast time flies. I will be celebrating my 18th on October next year. Omg! 😱

In “My 2017 in a video“, it is stated there that “2017 neither best or worst

I’ve stated in countless of post that I am graduating by next year. Finally! The thought of it is bittersweet. 😥😭 New school but then there are those to say goodbye. It is also in my video that I’ve spent the rest of the year experiencing my last(s).

It really is sad but I know in my heart that I will surely treasure those moments. It’s sad but I am actually looking forward to where I’ll go in life.

17 years! Whew! I have been through so much. Experienced the good and the bad. Throughout the years, I know that I have developed and matured. (that if I really did 😁)

There are so many people I want to thank! Not only for being part of my 2017 but being part of my life.

Thank you to…

my parents for the never ending love and support. For dealing with my stubbornness everyday. For being a good example to me growing up

the rest of my family. You are the greatest support system. You have more hope for me than I do for myself. For always cheering for me in whatever I signup for and for whatever achievement I have.

my cousins who I consider my “family barkada”. Thank you for being the ones I can tell what is going on in my life. To have a group to do weird things. For accepting me.

my classmates for having someone to face the hell of school together. Thank you for the collaboration in working for our grades.

my school friends, those I am close to particularly, thank you for being someone who I can tag along in school. And for being someone to go to for help.

my org mates/ team, thank for being not just being a group I associate with because of a passion/hobby but for being a family.

my barkada for being like a family. For being there to hear my dramas and to be those people I can goof around and be myself.

my teachers, for not giving up on me and my classmates. For all the sacrifice you made in order to set us for the future. And also for the constant reminders.

the bloggers out there who reads my blog post. I write my post when I am at the peak of my emotions. And having someone read them make feel like there are strangers who care.

those people in general who have been so patient with me especially when I am down, sick, weak, in my worst. Also to those who brightens my day when the world is against me.

those who believe in me more than myself.

Thank you for being part of my life! I love you all! ❤

 

 

My Playlist

In no particular order

  1. Breakaway  by Kelly Clarkson from Princess Diaries 2
  2. The Climb  by Miley Cyrus from Hannah Montana
  3. Let It Go by Idina Menzel from Frozen
  4. The Prayer by Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion
  5. Reflection  by Lea Salonga from Mulan
  6. Journey by Lea Salonga
  7. Defying Gravity by Idina Menzel from Wicked
  8. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion from Titanic
  9. Somewhere by Barbra Streisand from  West Side Story
  10. One Moment In Time by Whitney Houston
  11. Beauty And The Beast by Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson
  12. You Raise Up by Josh Groban
  13. True Colors by Cyndi Lauper
  14. I See The Light by Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi from Tangled
  15. Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross
  16. On My Own from Les Miserables
  17. I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables
  18. Can’t Help Falling In love
  19. You Will Never Walk Alone
  20. Somewhere Out There by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram
  21. Somewhere Over the Rainbow
  22. When She Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan from Toy Story 2
  23. How Far I’ll Go by Auli’i Cravalho
  24. Love on Top by Beyonce
  25. Ave Maria by Beyonce
  26. How Deep is Your Love by Bee Gees
  27. A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton
  28. I Want it That Way by Backstreet Boys
  29. When You Say Nothing at All
  30. Can You Feel the Love Tonight by Elton John
  31. Leaving on a Jet Plane by John Denver
  32. What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong
  33. La Vie En Rose by Louis Armstrong
  34. Evermore by Dan Stevens from Beauty and the Beast
  35. Only Hope by Mandy Moore
  36. Flashlight by Jessie J
  37. One Day in your Life by Michael Jackson
  38. Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
  39. Entire soundtrack of Hamilton
  40. Fix You by Coldplay
  41. I’m Yours by Jason Mraz
  42. Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

MY FAVORITE CHRISTIAN SONGS

  1. 10,000 Reasons by Hillsong
  2. You are Mine by David Haas
  3. The Power of Your Love
  4. All That I Am
  5. Shout to the Lord
  6. Still by Hillsong
  7. Amazing Grace

MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

  1. All I want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey
  2. Holy Night
  3. Angels We Have Heard on High
  4. O Come All Ye Faithful
  5. Christmas in Our Hearts by Jose Mari Chan
  6. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
  7. Silent Night
  8. Joy to the World

 

 

Christmas Hangover

Christmas is over, well not in the Philippines. Decemeber 25 maybe over but I still feel the Christmas vibes. I consider this one of the best Christmas. I mean Christmas is always the best but there is something special about this Christmas.

Enlightened, and a bit more mature me don’t think about the presents. When it comes to gifts, I am grateful more of the thought of it being given to me and not so much on the objectivity of the material. I received lots of chocolates this Christmas and it touches me.

If I were to make a blog of what I got for Christmas, it won’t be the typical material things being shown off. Rather I’d enumerate the things I grateful for.

  • Blessed to spend the holidays with my family. We pushed through a Christmas party even though it rained so hard. We would do anything just to be together. I thank my aunties and uncles for making it possible for all of us.
  • After that Christmas party, we went out somewhere and had a sleepover together.
  • I had the chance to bond with my cousins. I miss them so much. I got to catch up with them and had so much fun.
  • Been receiving messages from friends on how grateful to have me in their 2017.
  • Just celebrated my little cousin’s 3rd birthday on the 25th.
  • Being able to share my blessings as well (like giving food to the hungry).
  • I’ve been expressing my gratitude over being so mad at the world.
  • I got to relax after being so stressed.
  • Got away from the toxic environment in school.
  • I am getting my momentum the was once lost.

Yes, there were a lot of food being serve. Hello diabetes because of the rounds of ice cream I had. As well with chocolates. But, it isn’t about the food nor the gifts. The reason of this season is Jesus. His birth means so much because in he is a messenger of peace, love, joy, hope. That should be the highlight of our Christmas.

I found my peace, love, joy, hope, through my family. Spending time with family was the medicine I needed after breaking down from the load of school. They give me a reason in life. They are instruments from the heaven above. 😌😊

P.S. I am now mental blackout for what’s for school. But family first above all. I’d create as much memories with my family because I can never turn back time.

Happy New Year 2018! 🎉🎉

 

 

 

What is it all the Hate & Gossip?

I hate the toxic kind of environment we are all living. A world where there is hate and back stabbing. Yes, I’ve been back-stab, and been a topic for gossip. I don’t know why. What did I even do when all I’ve been doing is not minding your business and rendering whatever service I can give? Call me whatever you want. Call me “weird” or whatever you want, in the end of the day, whatever faulty things you have said to others will go back to you. My friend was asked by another person, “Why are you even friends with her?” Don’t you know how much that hurts. I am sorry if I don’t get you a good first impression. But please don’t say such things without really knowing me and what I’ve been through first. Okay?! So to those people who talk trash about me, watch out once you see me go farther in life!

In my classroom, I seat by the corner. The group by the corner are those who gossip. “You know what, [person’s name], (blah 2x)” It gets really annoying. I’d go and talk to my classmates who seats at the middle of the classroom because they are the group that don’t gossip. They are the people who would usually talk about their personal experiences than making a fuss of other people’s life. If not, I’d group study with them. I get a healthier aura from this group of people.

I also see people showing a huge disgust over a person because of a flaw. “I don’t like [person’s name], because ______.” Okay, I get it if a person is not being liked because of something really bad he/ she did. But for a flaw? Being hated so much already when he/ she can still change. Why?!

There is a person who I know who was being hated because of his tactlessness. Okay, I am a victim too by it. He maybe tactless at times, but I know he is not that bad. He needed to work on that aspect – on dealing with others/ on being more conscious of his actions. This person admitted to me that he is aware about it and he is trying to do something about it. I actually told him directly about it and he was open. After all, he is not that bad. I can see that he is improving. See, there is still hope for people to change so stop with the hatred. Just be patient.

Another person I know that people didn’t like and it was because of his boastfulness. I understand why. He went overboard in bragging his medals. People talked behind his back. Okay, count me in, but not as bad as the others. Others, made it seem like he was a very bad person. I express to people the times I witness him being boastful and that I hope he will change. There was an activity where you have to write something about them in everyone’s paper. I placed, “be more humble.” So instead of making someone a topic for gossip, tell them directly. After that incident, he didn’t brag anymore.

I know of a person who people didn’t like because of he has low tolerance in dealing with pressure and all that. But now, I can see that he is improving. That he responds to situations better. The thing is, people needed to be patient. Patience is what the world lacks. 😦 PS: People don’t know he suffer ADHD but erase the being hyper.

We have the right to express our thoughts, that includes our thoughts of a person. Please, be prudent. Don’t spread hate. Something of a person may irritate you or displease you, but please be patient and understanding. Whenever we gossip, we unconsciously make ourselves better than the other person. That shouldn’t be. We shall help one another rather than destroying each other. Our world is so destroyed. Don’t destroy it even more. 😦

 

My Stance on Crushes and Relationships

This post will come from a 17 year old point of view

Every time someone ask if I have a crush, I become so hesitant. Personally, I am not vocal about my crush to the public. But I do have a crush. Same crush for 3 years now.

Anyway, I am not like other teens out there. What I notice, people fall for a person because of looks. Don’t get me wrong, looks is a bonus. In my case, I started to have a crush because I felt comfortable with him and I never felt that way with another guy. We are really good friends. I have so many encounters with him already. I have to say, he was there in my highest and lowest. I’ve been also witness to what he has been through. We know each other so well.

Earlier this year, we got shipped. This is where things got complicated. I can see that he tried to ignore it. I also tried to ignore it as well. We both shrug it off. Yes, awkwardness did happen. But I am still grateful that we still talk.

I am so grateful for this guy. No matter what happens, I am so grateful for him entering my life.

Honestly, we really got to know each other. But I don’t want us to be in a relationship. I don’t know anything about romance. I want to be mature when it comes to this. If I get involved in a relationship , I would want that I would be really good friends with the guy first. I don’t want things all of a sudden.

I have to become open – minded, especially if he talks to other girls. I know him as a very sociable and friendly person. In the first place, I have no authority over him.

It hurts that we will soon separate ways. I have to transfer to another school next year. But always, I will treasure the friendship with him. He has helped me so much in my life. I will surely miss him.

I’ll leave everything else to God. I’ll wait for the right time. I have no control of what is going on with my life.

I see some of my peers are on a relationship. I respect them. I guess, I am such a late bloomer when it comes to that. Anyway, I don’t want to do things because everyone else is doing it. I don’t want to rush on things. I want to pursue what I am into first and see what happens.

I have to focus on what is more important in life and that’s family and studies. If you think about it, it better to single as of the moment. You are free because you don’t have to be committed to someone to the point you are limited to do what you want. I want to enjoy my remaining teens years.

You can only be a teen ones. So Enjoy! It is alright to have crushes but always know your limits. May they be an inspiration and not a distraction.

My 2017 in a video

 

2017 was a bittersweet year for me. By the first weeks of December, I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t feeling the Christmas Spirit. I guess it was all because I was drained by all the school work. Now, I am on vacation, I am taking this time to rest and to have time for myself. I am also taking this time to look back my year so far. I’ve been looking at my pictures. And these pictures brings back the joy and the camaraderie with love ones all throughout the year. I decided to make a video out of the pictures I have this year. Thank you 2017!

Remaining Humble

I have attributes and capabilities that I hone. There are inscurities I have on others because I feel incompetent to a certain thing of a person. As developing teenager, how do I deal with this?

In scenarios where in my attributes/ capabilities are most needed, how do I still be humble? Not to step down others for something I am and they are not? As much as I want to maximize whatever I have to the greatest potential, I still want to be humble. First of all, we are all unique. We have attributes/ capabilities that people associate for us. Instead of being too proud, I’ll use my talents to reach out to others. I don’t act superior towards others to make myself feel better. I’d rather be an inspiration instead.

When it comes to my insecurities, I’ve got to overcome it. As much as I want to be humble on what I have, I don’t wan’t to compare myself to others. I just want to me with a touch of humility.

 

 

 

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑